The Delusion of Control: Why Trying to Keep Everything Under Control Can Make You More Anxious
The Delusion of Control: Why Trying to Keep Everything Under Control Can Make You More Anxious
There’s a very particular kind of person who relaxes by getting organised.
You make the list.
You plan the week.
You check the weather.
You confirm the booking.
You look at your emails before bed so tomorrow morning feels less chaotic.
You leave ten minutes early.
You have a backup plan for the backup plan.
And, to be fair, a lot of this works.
Planning helps.
Being organised helps.
Looking ahead can absolutely make life smoother.
But only if life keeps cooperating.
And sometimes, rather inconveniently, it doesn’t.
Control feels like a solution because sometimes it is
If you’re anxious, uncertainty can feel really uncomfortable.
So your brain starts looking for ways to reduce it.
You plan.
You check.
You prepare.
You anticipate.
And often, your anxiety drops.
That relief teaches you something: control works.
So next time, you do a little more.
You schedule the day more tightly.
You check your inbox one more time.
You think through every possible problem before the holiday.
You research all the restaurant options in advance so no one wastes time deciding.
You organise everyone’s movements so the morning runs smoothly.
Again, sometimes this genuinely helps.
But there’s a point where a useful strategy becomes a rigid one.
And that’s where control starts costing more than it gives.
Too much of a good thing is still too much
Lots of unhelpful coping strategies begin as sensible ones … then they shift into something else entirely.
Planning is useful.
Overplanning is exhausting.
Checking can be sensible.
Constant checking keeps your brain switched on.
Structure can help.
A schedule with no room to breathe can make the whole day feel like a military operation.
Preparation can reduce stress.
Trying to prepare for every possible outcome can keep you permanently mentally at work.
The problem isn’t that these behaviours are bad.
It’s that the dose matters.
What over-control can look like in everyday life
Sometimes over-control is obvious.
Sometimes it looks impressively functional.
It might look like:
planning every hour of the weekend
checking work emails at night “just so tomorrow’s easier”
thinking through conversations in advance so they go exactly right
researching purchases for far longer than the decision warrants
organising family members because it feels easier than trusting them to do it
struggling when plans change unexpectedly
needing to know exactly what time something will happen
finding it hard to delegate because other people won’t do it “properly”
repeatedly checking bookings, calendars or messages
feeling irritated when other people are spontaneous
making detailed plans for events that are still weeks away
trying to solve problems before they have actually happened.
From the outside, it looks like competence.
And sometimes it is competence.
But internally, it can feel like:
If I stop managing everything, something will go wrong.
Why control can actually increase stress
The more control you need, the more things you have to monitor.
Now you’re not just living your day.
You’re managing it.
Checking it.
Protecting it from disruption.
Mentally rehearsing what comes next.
And every unexpected event becomes a threat to the system.
Traffic.
A late child.
A cancelled appointment.
Someone changing their mind.
A work request you didn’t anticipate.
Suddenly, instead of flexibility, you have friction.
The strategy that was meant to make life feel calmer has made you more dependent on things going according to plan.
Control also creates invisible work
Take checking your emails at night.
You tell yourself:
I’ll just have a quick look so I’m not blindsided in the morning.
Maybe you spend three minutes checking.
But then you see something annoying.
Now you’re thinking about it while brushing your teeth.
You draft a reply in your head in bed.
You wake up remembering another detail.
Technically, you only worked for three minutes.
Psychologically, work got another two hours.
This is how control derails things.
The control behaviour is brief.
The mental load of control lasts longer.
The irony: control can make uncertainty feel harder
The more you practise controlling uncertainty, the less opportunity you have to practise tolerating it.
If you always check, plan, rehearse and prepare, you never get to learn: I can handle things even if I don’t know exactly what’s coming.
Which is a much more useful kind of confidence.
Think about how you are on holidays
A lot of people who’re tightly controlled at home become noticeably looser on holidays.
Meals happen later.
Plans change.
You don’t answer every email.
You don’t optimise every hour.
You wander.
You decide things on the day.
And somehow, life still works.
Often, you feel better.
Partly because the demands are lower.
But also because you’ve temporarily given yourself permission to stop managing everything.
You’re responding to life rather than constantly trying to stay ahead of it.
Which begs the question: what would it look like to bring 10 per cent of that version of you home?
Not become completely disorganised.
Just slightly less tightly wound.
How to loosen your grip without creating chaos
1. Separate useful control from anxiety control
Before you plan, check or organise, ask:
“Is this helping me solve a real problem, or helping me avoid feeling uncertain?”
Sometimes it’s both.
But that question can tell you when you’ve crossed from sensible preparation into reassurance-seeking.
For example:
Checking the flight time once = useful.
Checking it six times = probably not adding much.
Looking at tomorrow’s calendar = practical.
Checking work emails repeatedly all evening = probably trying to reduce anxiety.
2. Leave deliberate gaps
If every minute is scheduled, nothing can go wrong without the whole day feeling derailed.
Try building in slack.
Leave 20 minutes between things.
Have one evening with no plan.
Don’t fill the whole weekend.
Give yourself space where nothing needs to be optimised.
This can feel inefficient at first.
It’s often the opposite.
Buffer creates flexibility.
3. Practise “good enough” planning
Not every plan needs to be perfect.
Try asking: “what’s enough information to move forward?”
You may only need:
the booking
the address
the start time.
Not twelve restaurant reviews, three parking options and a weather contingency plan.
Good enough planning frees up mental energy.
4. Delay the check
If you feel the urge to check something, wait.
Ten minutes.
Then twenty.
Then longer.
You’re not trying to ban checking completely.
You’re teaching yourself that you can have the urge without immediately acting on it which will go a long way towards reducing your mental load longer-term.
5. Let other people do things differently
This is a big one for people who like control.
You delegate.
Then supervise.
Then correct.
Then eventually decide it would’ve been quicker to do it yourself.
But other people not doing things your way doesn’t automatically mean they’re doing them badly.
Try letting someone else organise the dinner.
Pack the bag.
Choose the route.
Handle the booking.
And resist improving it.
It might feel deeply uncomfortable.
But it’ll be worth it.
6. Build flexibility on purpose
Choose small situations where you intentionally don’t over-prepare.
Go somewhere without researching every detail.
Leave part of a Saturday unplanned.
Don’t check the menu before arriving.
Wait until morning to read non-urgent emails.
These are small experiments in uncertainty.
They’ll help your brain to learn that you can cope without knowing everything in advance.
7. Notice the urge to control other people
Control often becomes most obvious in relationships.
You might think: if they’d just do it this way, everything would be easier.
Maybe.
But the effort involved in monitoring, reminding and correcting everyone around you can be enormous.
So instead ask: “is this actually my responsibility?”
Sometimes the answer is no.
And that can be surprisingly freeing.
8. Use a holiday rule
Think of something you naturally do differently on holiday.
Maybe:
you don’t check email after dinner
you decide some things on the day
you leave more time between activities
you don’t care if lunch is at 2pm
you let someone else choose
Pick one.
Bring it into ordinary life.
You don’t need a tropical island to practise flexibility.
9. Ask what you’re afraid will happen
Control usually has a fear underneath it.
If I don’t stay on top of things, I’ll fall behind.
If I don’t organise it, it will be a mess.
If I don’t prepare, I’ll be embarrassed.
If I don’t check, I’ll be caught off guard.
Naming the fear helps.
Then ask: “if that happened, could I handle it?”
The answer’s probably yes.
10. Let discomfort be there
This is the hardest bit.
Relinquishing control often feels worse before it feels better.
You might feel restless.
Irritated.
Exposed.
Like you should be doing something.
That feeling doesn’t mean the experiment is failing.
It means you’re doing something unfamiliar.
You can say: “I’m noticing the urge to take over.”
Or: “I want certainty right now, but I don’t need to chase it.”
Then leave it alone.
The goal isn’t to become carefree
Some people are naturally more structured.
That’s not a flaw.
Being organised can be a strength.
Planning ahead can make life easier.
Reliability matters.
The goal isn’t to throw your diary away and start living exclusively on vibes.
It’s to notice when control stops serving you.
When you’re planning because it helps versus planning because you can’t tolerate not knowing.
When you’re organised versus when you’re mentally gripping life so tightly that there’s no room for anything unexpected.
Real calm comes from flexibility, not certainty
Control promises: if I manage everything well enough, I’ll feel safe.
But that promise is impossible to fulfil.
There will always be something you can’t predict.
Someone who changes the plan.
A delay.
A mistake.
A surprise.
A difficult email.
A day that refuses to follow the schedule.
The more useful skill isn’t controlling all of that.
It’s knowing: life doesn’t need to go exactly to plan for me to be okay.
That might feel less secure and uncomfortable at first.
But over time, it’s a much more reliable kind of calm.
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